Margi and I have been a couple since April 20, 2005, and on the one hand it has been loving and fascinating, having a life companion with a genius IQ, tremendous artistic talents, plus great cooking, amazing kindness, compassion, and radical honesty and loyalty.
But it has also been rough at times (no, make that all the time 🙂 ) with her having ADD, Attention Deficit Disorder. It makes her disorganized, impulsive, late for everything, overly dramatic, literally foot-stompingly angry, and overwhelmed by having multiple things to do… while I have an almost totally Marine-Corps and I’m-the-boss mindset: blunt, do-it-now, no excuses, unforgiving of errors, and hollering. 🙂
No, I am not this bad! 🙂
As my dad always said: “If you screw up in combat, you will get your buddies killed, and then have to live with that, if you do live.”
And obviously, you can never procrastinate when someone is pouring down death and destruction on your position. 🙂
My father was also a Marine. He actually fought as a staff sergeant at Iwo Jima in WWII, where 6,000 Marines were killed defeating 20,000 Japanese, who were superbly dug in — fighting for the first time to defend their own soil — and 99% fought to the death or committed suicide, refusing under the samurai code to surrender.
Trailer to “Flags of Our Fathers”
Battle scenes (my father said this movie — by Clint Eastwood — was extremely accurate):
Then Dad was a captain in Korea, at one time, at age 25, running a whole battalion of 600 men, a unit usually commanded by a colonel.
The officers above my father had all been killed, or been wounded and then evacuated. A whopping 50% of all US Marine officers in Korea became casualties. The “Forgotten War” was hell for American fighting men, both Army and Marines.
Korea – blazing hot in summer but bitter cold in winter, and located right next to Siberia.
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Marines shell Fallujah, Iraq in 2004. One mistake in the setting — and your own men die, while the enemy lives and laughs.
In fact, as longtime readers know, I know with inner certainty that I was a soldier in both my last lives, in fact a field marshal in Austria in one of them — and a great patron of the arts. As is often the case with reincarnation cases, I chose to come right back into my own bloodline in this life. When Margi first saw this engraving, she gasped: “Oh my God, that’s you!”
In my next life, well….
But the military mindset is based on the very opposites of ADD: obedience, details, performing well under gigantic stress, and not making mistakes, forgetting things, or in any way screwing up.
“When my troops cross that field, you had better have laid down machine-gun fire at exactly 8:15 am to keep the enemy’s heads down!”
But ADD is disorganization every single day. 😉
I was frustrated, and we broke up in May 2011-late November 2012, though we loved each other, stayed in touch, and did lots of things for each other. She mailed me from Europe this blue parka, Made in Germany. 🙂
In Natrona, Pennsylvania
I emailed Margi in early November 2012, “Margi, I just want you back, just the way you are.”
Anyway, I found this online (https://www.additudemag.com/):
…..What Are Common Symptoms of ADHD or ADD in Women?
Attention deficit disorder (ADHD or ADD) is not gender biased. ADHD symptoms exist almost as often in girls as they do in boys, and the majority of kids with ADHD never outgrow it. What’s more, scientific research strongly suggests that ADHD is hereditary. Which means that, if you are the mother of a child with attention and impulsivity problems, you may have ADHD, too.
[Related Self-Test: Inattentive ADD Symptoms in Adults]
This comes as a surprise to many women who assume that ADHD is a diagnosis for hyper little boys. Indeed, it is not. According to the 5th edition of The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, ADHD symptoms may fall into three categories: predominantly hyperactive, predominantly inattentive, and combined type. Inattentive ADHD symptoms are still often misunderstood and misdiagnosed by medical professionals who mistake them for stress, anxiety, or another related condition. Inattentive ADHD is also more common in girls and women than it is in boys and men.
*** and also
…..An Open Letter to My Husband
I have ADHD. You don’t. We don’t always speak the same language, which is no one’s fault — but it’s a stumbling block for our relationship nonetheless. Here are 27 heartfelt requests that I can’t always articulate but wish I could.
By June Silny
1. Please don’t criticize or judge me. I know it can be hard to know how to love someone with ADHD, but I’m doing the best I can — I try really hard to make you happy, and to make things run smoothly in our home.
2. Please know that when I’m acting strong and mighty, I’m probably full of doubt.
3. Please know that lectures don’t work.
4. Please stay grounded when I act impulsively.
5. I need space to thrive. Please give me room to grow, like a patch of daisies in the garden. I will bloom but it might take a while.
6. Please don’t label me or roll your eyes. Just give me a hug and tell me I can do it.
7. Don’t forget to remember all the things you love about me — especially when they aren’t obvious.
[Self-Test: What Does ADHD Look Like in Women and Girls?]
8. Know that my procrastination is a survival strategy. I can’t prepare, plan, or make lists in advance without feeling stressed and overwhelmed. Last-minute preparation brings clarity and focus.
9. My compassion for you and our family comes from my ADHD brain wiring. My heart feels your every breath, heartbeat, need, and desire. And I have ADHD to thank, in part, for that.
10. I can read minds, so be careful what you think. Your silent thoughts come through loud and clear.
11. I cannot return from distraction the way you do. Phone call. Go back to work. Email. Go back to work. Coffee break. Resume again. I wish I could, but my response time is slower than yours. Just like a physical reflex, this is my brain’s reflex.
[Free Download: Manage ADHD’s Impact on Your Relationship]
12. I am totally jealous of your “0” email inbox. Mine is overflowing at 12,000 — and that’s just in one of three accounts. Does iCloud ever run out of room? If its engineers had ADHD, it would be infinite.
13. I will always fill your life with surprises and excitement (the good kind).
14. If I seem uninterested, distracted, or rude, it’s probably because my mind is hyperfocused on something else. If I’m deeply involved in a project, I cannot think or speak of anything else. I’m in so deep that I can’t even think about saying, I’m busy now, can I call you later? Please know that I don’t intend to be apathetic or standoffish.
15. For all my volume and commentary, there are times I can’t communicate exactly how I feel. There’s so much action going on, it takes me awhile to sift and organize through my thoughts.
16. I am tough and resilient, but that doesn’t mean I don’t need your love and your support. I’m strong when stretched to my limits. But even rubber bands break when the pressure is too great and too frequent.
17. I have heightened senses. I feel an exaggerated version of every scratchy fabric, wrinkle in the sheets, and bunched-up sock. Sometimes a hug feels great; other times it feels like I’m suffocating.
18. I am sometimes too sarcastic. That is my way of lightening up the darkness in my mind. Please forgive me.
19. I’m trying really hard. What is easy for you is a major effort for me. The simplest tasks that you breeze through cause my mind to swirl like a tornado. You exercise, walk the dog, prepare your lunch, go to work, visit the dentist, call the landscaper, deal with family problems, and support your co-workers. Meanwhile, I sit home and write. I get so focused that I forget to pick up the prescriptions. I don’t get around to sending those Thank You cards. The dog reminds me when he needs to go out.
20. Sometimes when you think I’m talking to you, I am actually verbally processing what’s going on in my mind so that I can work through a problem.
21. My “I want” drive is too strong. It steers my choices and messes with my priorities. When I’m struck by a thought, vision, idea, or word, I must get it out and let it flow and grow.
22. I know you love me. And I love me, too. I like the way I am.
23. I try to get the most out of every minute. That’s why I’m always trying to fit in just one more thing.
24. Wake up, Bolt out the door for a run. Shower. Make breakfast. Walk the dog. Get to work on time. Achieving that sequence without forgetting a thing? It’s not going to happen for me.
25. When I look calm, chances are my insides are racing. There is almost always a fast-moving energy flowing through my veins, a burning fire that I can’t put out.
26. Please don’t pressure me by dictating a list of important chores or priorities around the house. Machine-gun lists don’t enter my brain. Even when you speak to me kindly, I only hear the first two items on the list. If it’s before 9 am, I don’t even hear that.
27. Marrying you was the smartest choice I ever made. Growing together isn’t always easy, but it’s definitely rewarding.
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Still wearing that parka 🙂 Like they say, “to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health, until death do us part.”
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You’re really helping Margi get back her high notes and defeat her throat cancer!
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