November 21
Today, it will be very good to be gentle. It is not unlikely that you will run into some sharp things—experiences, people, emotions, longings—that entice you to visit the extremes of your range.
Whether high or low, you are liable to get lost and lose your footing, lose your way. If you find yourself confronted with that which pierces you, do not attempt to feel it, but practice the kind of sweetness and softness you would offer a beloved child facing the same.
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The goal here is to stay in some sort of balance. The opportunity to feel extremes of love or loss or desire or sorrow or ecstasy is a precious one and not to be missed. Yet it carries with it the danger of becoming so absorbed that you can forget the bigger picture, forget that although you are indeed these feelings, they are but a small part of who you are.
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*** The belief in the truth of reincarnation can lead to serenity, for we have known hundreds of lives, of deaths, of setbacks and also progress and joyful victories!
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So be aware that there may be some peaks and valleys in the next few days. Let yourself live them fully, but do so with as much awareness as you can muster, that they are but vistas along the road. They are neither the destination nor the path itself.
In order to remain in balance, discipline will be useful. Try to give shape to your day and activities ahead of time rather than its opposite: allowing the acivities and commitments to shape your time.
The latter is easy to fall into, but if you know where you want to go (both in the ultimate and the short-term) then you will do well to choose the path that leads in your soul’s chosen direction.
Particularly on this day — when the detours will be more than usually seductive. In other words, give yourself over to the depths of any feelings and experiences you have, but do so while you chop wood and carry water. Do not attempt to mute what comes to you, but moderate it and soften it by allowing it to be integrated into your journey.
The sun will be a wonderful source of sustenance. If you can see it, use its energies to fortify and flll yourself. In a time of intense introspection and internal involvement, the sun, like routine and balance, can provide a counterweight, an energetic constant that will help you navigate successfully through the ups and downs.
Sunrise over beautiful, ancient-feeling Italy
If you are someone who is on an even keel, we suggest that you try to notice the nuances of your internal life and how they relate to the sun and its presence in your life.
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*** Women seem very affected by the sun and the weather
When Margi wants to go for a walk on the beach and to “catch some rays,” she listens to her inner voice and acts on that need.
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Every man and woman should make time to get and read these two books by a Harvard/Yale/UC London neuropsychiatrist — with a wonderful, light style and sense of humor — so we can understand ourselves and our mates. You will have tons less arguments if you do! 🙂
Brizendine-Female-Brain-chapter-1
A typical man, though he has the same emotional needs as a woman, has tendencies to be a “strong and silent type” because on the hunt, you must be strong, brutal and silent. Or you come back empty-handed — and your hungry family STARVES.
If you recall the both amusing and somewhat useful 1986 Marine Corps movie “Heartbreak Ridge,” one of the subthemes is how Gunnery Sergeant Highway (Clint Eastwood) tries to get back together with his ex-wife, played by Marsha Mason, who has decided he will always be a hopelessly insensitive caveman. 😉
The ex does see his sincere efforts to woo her back — but Clint’s character still does not understand how women “tick.” And this is ridiculous — books explain it clearly. Men are hunters; women are gatherers. Brainwise, we are still in our Stone Age roles! Men are not “weird,” nor are women, just different — designed for different tasks that are vital for our personal and racial SURVIVAL. We need to learn to laugh and smile about our differences, and accept the stubborn realities about the opposite sex. Marriage of these opposites can therefore be a wonderful way to grow spiritually!
In the Marines, as portrayed well by Major Powers (actor Everett McGill). you have to be very hard emotionally to be able to kill other men, especially up-close (my dad had five notches on his .38 pistol from Chinese men he had killed right in the Marine trenches of the Korean War), or to order them, although they may be someone’s beloved son, husband or boyfriend, to go attack the enemy and thus possibly get killed.
The Gunny is so devastated about failing to win his wife back that he gets into a drunken brawl and ends up in jail, setting a very poor example for his men. Here, he is getting chewed out by his officer, Major Powers.
But the Gunny finally does succeed in the end in winning her back. And yes, it WAS partly by reading books and magazines on the female brain and psychology.
And by her understanding him as a male, as a combat survivor, and appreciating and forgiving him.
If you recall, the ex is right there at the airport to welcome him back from combat (during the US invasion and liberation of then pro-communist Grenada). 🙂
Sì, se puede.
Yes, we can! Men and women can get along great — with love, knowledge of gender differences, and a great sense of humor about still being Stone-Agey!!
2007
Today
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And Margi’s greatest achievement has been to have helped me heal from the horrors of MK-ULTRA.
I have seen and experienced horrors that go far, far beyond anything soldiers and Marines endure in combat. It is called Complex PTSD.
MK-ULTRA is jewish neuroscientists torturing young Whites until they SHATTER PSYCHOLOGICALLY and become mind-controlled putty. I ran away at ten to successfully escape it.
1. Deep Fear Of Trust
People who endure ongoing abuse, particularly from significant people in their lives, develop an intense and understandable fear of trusting people. If the abuse was parents or caregivers, this intensifies. Ongoing trauma wires the brain for fear and distrust. It becomes the way the brain copes with any further potential abuse. Complex trauma survivors often find trusting people very difficult, and it takes little for any trust built to be destroyed. The brain senses issues and this overwhelms the already severely-traumatized brain. This fear of trust is extremely impactful on a survivor’s life. Trust can be learned with support and an understanding of trusting people slowly and carefully.
2. Terminal Aloneness
This is a phrase I used to describe to my counselor — the terribly painful aloneness I have always felt as a complex trauma survivor. Survivors often feel so little connection and trust with people, they remain in a terrible state of aloneness, even when surrounded by people. I described it once as having a glass wall between myself and other people. I can see them, but I cannot connect with them.
Another issue that increases this aloneness is feeling different to other people. Feeling damaged, broken and unable to be like other people can haunt a survivor, increasing the loneliness.
3. Emotion Regulation
Intense emotions are common with complex trauma survivors. It is understandable that ongoing abuse can cause many different and intense emotions. This is normal for complex trauma survivors.
Learning to manage and regulate emotions is vital in being able to manage all the other symptoms.
4. Emotional Flashbacks
Flashbacks are something all PTSD survivors can deal with, and there are three types:
Visual Flashbacks – where your mind is triggered and transported back to the trauma, and you feel as though you are reliving it.
Somatic Flashbacks – where the survivor feels sensations, pain and discomfort in areas of the body, affected by the trauma. This pain/sensations cannot be explained by any other health issues, and are triggered by something that creates the body to “feel” the trauma again.
Emotional Flashbacks – the least known and understood, and yet the type complex trauma survivors can experience the most. These are where emotions from the past are triggered. Often the survivor does not understand these intense emotions are flashbacks, and it appears the survivor is being irrationally emotional.
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*** Leaving the US for France in 2004
My late aunt Dorothy Hyde was a wonderful woman and was very helpful to me and my then-wife Brigitte. She also looked a lot like my late mother, her sister, albeit with much lighter hair and eyes.
When Brigitte and I left her home in Rhode Island, saying our goodbyes, a tsunami of emotion suddenly came over me and, as the final hugs began, I began sobbing, and my face was drenched in tears. I remember my stomach throbbing. It was what they call a “meltdown.”
To this day, most people cannot recognize, out of truly shameful ignorance and/or wilful obtuseness, the incredibly obvious signs of severe PTSD.
“Oh, he [or she] is just crazy.”
No, something made them seem crazy, and you should be saluting them just for still being alive. Many, many PTSD survivors successfully commit suicide.
(Twenty-two US veterans kill themselves every day.)
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*** back to the Complex-PTSD article
When I learned about emotional flashbacks, it was a huge lightbulb moment of finally understanding why I have intense emotions, when they do not reflect the issue occurring now, but are in fact emotions felt during the trauma, being triggered.
But, there is no visual of the trauma – as with visual flashbacks. So, it takes a lot of work to start to understand when experiencing an emotional flashback.
For more info about emotional flashbacks see my article on my website.
5. Hypervigilance About People
Most people with PTSD have hypervigilance, where the person scans the environment for potential risks and likes to have their back to the wall.
But complex-trauma survivors often have a deep subconscious need to “work people out.” Since childhood, I have been aware of people’s non-verbal cues; their body language, their tone of voice, their facial expressions. I also subconsciously learn people’s habits and store away what they say. Then if anything occurs that contradicts any of this, it will immediately flag as something potentially dangerous.
This can be exhausting. And it can create a deep skillset of discernment about people. The aim of healing fear-based hyper-vigilance is turning it into non-fear-based discernment.
6. Loss Of Faith
Complex trauma survivors often endure a loss of faith. This can be about people, about the world being good, about religion, and a loss of faith about self.
Complex trauma survivors often view the world as dangerous and people as all potentially abusive, which is understandable when having endured ongoing severe abuse.
*** No one in my extended family picked up on anything
Aunts, uncles, grandparents and much older cousins — all utterly oblivious.
No “Gee, I wonder why John always has dark circles under his eyes? Why does he seem clingy and needy, and try to glom onto his uncles to talk about something or anything?”
“I dunno. He’s just a weird kid.”
That is pretty fucked up. The abuse went on for years because everyone just ignorantly shrugged their shoulders.
***
Many complex trauma survivors walk away from their religious beliefs. For example, to believe in a good and loving God who allows suffering and heinous abuse to occur can feel like the ultimate betrayal. This is something needing considerable compassion.
7. Profoundly Hurt Inner Child
Childhood complex trauma survivors, often have a very hurt inner child that continues on to affect the survivor in adulthood.
When a child’s emotional needs are not met and a child is repeatedly hurt and abused, this deeply and profoundly affects the child’s development.
A survivor will often continue on subconsciously wanting those unmet childhood needs in adulthood. Looking for safety, protection, being cherished and loved can often be normal unmet needs in childhood, and the survivor searches for these in other adults. This can be where survivors search for mother and father figures. Transference issues in counseling can occur and this is normal for childhood abuse survivors.
Inner child healing can be healing for childhood abuse survivors. It is where the survivor begins to meet the needs of their hurt and wounded child, themselves. I have further info about this on my website.
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*** Speaking lovingly to your own wounded inner child
One technique I was taught was to imagine playing with my own inner John at age five or so. We would throw the frisbee to each other, or I, the adult John, would take him on my shoulders.
We would go for walks in the woods, gaze at ponds, catch frogs together and go biking. And I kept telling little John he was safe and would never be harmed again. I hugged him a lot.
It really helped. :_)
And I will add yet again, all you turdlike jew Mossad types and Deep-State thugs reading me today– no man will ever lay his hands on me again.
Over and over, I mentally review and visualize how to kill psychopaths like you with my bare hands, with guns, knives, pens, dish towels (strangulation), etc.
The most loving thing I can do is exterminate you, as individuals and a group, and send you on to your next hell world — and then your next reincarnation.
You need to learn from your future fate of being executed for your crimes.
You see my cheekbones get deep-red? I see some disgusting two-legged thing masquerading as a human being which needs flushing down the toilet.
You got one second to back off.
***
8. Helplessness and Toxic Shame
Due to enduring ongoing or repeated abuse, the survivor can develop a sense of hopelessness — that nothing will ever be OK. They can feel so profoundly damaged, they see no hope for anything to get better. When faced with long periods of abuse, it does feel like there is no hope of anything changing. And even when the abuse or trauma stops, the survivor can continue on having these deep core-level beliefs of hopelessness. This is intensified by the terribly life-impacting symptoms of complex PTSD that keep the survivor stuck with the trauma, with little hope of this easing.
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*** Three or more severe nightmares a month, sometimes several a week
Horrible insomnia for 35 years, or very light sleep, waking up screaming or even throwing objects at an attacker.
After I joined the Marines, it turned into acting out actual close-combat techniques: hurling obects, yelling a war cry, and charging at the enemy.
My first wife and daughters saw it.
But it never occurred to anyone in their amazing obtusity that since I was in the Marines only in the post-Vietnam peacetime years — 1977-80 — I could not be possibly be reliving the horrors of combat.
I was reliving, in fact, something much worse.
To see a fellow soldier killed, well, heck, it is nasty but expected. We were trying to kill THEM.
But as a child to see an adult raping, torturing and killing a little child just like you…..
…or saying, kill this child with this knife, or we will rape and then kill him, then rape and kill you.
…or gouge the eyes out of this baby rabbit, or baby goat, then kill it.
You just cannot believe the horror. You pray it is not real — and it is.
And they all were jews or their goy minions, luciferian 33rd-degree Masons.
I blogged a while back about my feeling upon seeing a video about chick macerators. In the vicious chicken-processing facilities of Jewmerica, all male chicks are killed, ground up alive by a machine.
I saw the video and (this is rare nowadays) saw sparkles before my eyes, and felt dread, nausea, and the feeling I was going to pass out.
Since then I have know the jews feed live, white human babies into large macerators, and make other white children watch so as to inflict mind-blowing fear.
.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t_u0jxi_v-w
***
Toxic shame is a common issue survivors of complex trauma endure. Often the perpetrators of the abuse make the survivor feel they deserved it, or they were the reason for it. Often survivors are made to feel they don’t deserve to be treated any better.
Sexual abuse can create a whole added layer of toxic shame, which requires very specific and compassionate therapy, if this is accessible. Often, sexual abuse survivors who are repeatedly enduring this heinous abuse can develop feelings of being dirty, damaged and disgusting when their bodies are violated in this way.
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*** Any kind of sex without love is abhorrent to me
On a Marine “Reforger” exercise in Germany in 1979, everyone went off to the whorehouse, the Eros Center in Hamburg, except me. I got pressured by Marines far outranking me, a corporal, to get into the cab with them,
After three blocks we hit a red light. I just got out of the cab and walked back to my hotel, while the other Marines protested. A lieutenant said to me later, “Marines should do everything together.”
But for me, any sex that is not about love is selfishness, is violence, is rape and is horror, I can only embrace a woman with love.
***
9. Repeated Search For A Rescuer
Subconsciously looking for someone to rescue them is something many survivors understandably think about during the ongoing trauma and this can continue on after the trauma has ceased.
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*** an obtuse uncle said I always “pestered” him
“You always wanted to talk with me about something, anything.”
Gee, I wonder why, dumb fuck with your advanced college degree.
But you were in your own little world.
The little blond nephew who kept “pestering” him, actually just wanting desperately to talk to another human being.
***
The survivor can feel helpless and yearn for someone to come and rescue them from the pain they feel and want them to make their lives better. This sadly often leads to the survivor seeking out the wrong types of people and being re-traumatized repeatedly.
10. Dissociation
When enduring ongoing abuse, the brain can utilize dissociation as a coping method. This can be from daydreaming to more life-impacting forms of dissociation such as dissociative identity disorder (DID).
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***I was too tough for this to ensue
The whole goal of MK-ULTRA and its most hideous form, Manchurian Candidates, is to create a new personality, a human robot. He may not even remember killing someone, or who it was that ordered him to do so.
This is important if the MK is arrested.
They never broke me to this point.
When I ran away at ten, they gave up. And my family was too famous in Rhode Island to just murder me.
Later on, exactly ten years after I ran away:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/1974_Rhode_Island_gubernatorial_election
It was the Watergate year, 1974, when most Republicans were defeated, and my father was viciously attacked by the newspapers, especially for loyally defending President Nixon, whom he knew and respected.
The Deep State also knew that his son John had gone “off the reservation.”
I will never forget how the Providence [Rhode Island] Journal photographer kneeled down and took a shot of my dad from the floor, as far below as possible, in order to get a shot prominently showing his nostrils. So they got their zoom shot of his nostrils, and ran that photo on page one.
My dad’s motto — he was a very successful businessman — was also a Trumpian or even Hitlerian one that scared the jews
“A leader, not a politician.”
Not what the Deep State wanted at all. 😉
They want politicians, not leaders.
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*** Back to the Complex-PTSD piece
This is particularly experienced by child abuse survivors, who are emotionally unable to cope with trauma in the same way an adult can.
For more information about the different types of dissociation, see my website.
11. Persistent Sadness and Being Suicidal
Complex trauma survivors often experience ongoing states of sadness and severe depression. Mood disorders are often co-morbid with complex PTSD.
Complex trauma survivors are high risk for suicidal thoughts, suicide ideation and being actively suicidal. Suicide ideation can become a way of coping, where the survivor feels like they always have a way to end the severe pain if it becomes any worse. Often the deep emotional pain survivors feel, can feel unbearable. This is when survivors are at risk of developing suicidal thoughts.
For more information about suicidal issues, see my website.
12. Muscle Armoring
Many complex trauma survivors, who have experienced ongoing abuse, develop body hyper-vigilance. This is where the body is continually tensed, as though the body is “braced” for potential trauma. This leads to pain issues as the muscles are being overworked. Chronic pain and other issues related such as chronic fatigue and fibromyalgia can result. Massage, guided muscle relaxation and other ways to manage this can help.
All of these issues are very normal for complex trauma survivors. Enduring complex trauma is not a normal life experience, and therefore the consequences it creates are different, yet very normal for what they have experienced and endured.
Not every survivor will endure all these, and there are other symptoms that can be endured. I always suggest trauma-informed counseling if that is accessible. There are medications available to help with symptoms such as anxiety and depression.
There are also many self-help strategies to manage the symptoms and help heal. Many of these are listed on my website.
Lastly, I advise that empathy, gentleness and compassion are required for complex trauma survivors.
— Lilly Hope Lucario (Severe and multiple complex trauma survivor).
*** LOL!
“empathy, gentleness and compassion” … Try callousness, harshness and coldness.
I felt utterly alone. Radically insecure.
Incredibly, I was convinced I was plug-ugly. I also never looked myself in the eye in the mirror, not even when shaving. I also averted my eyes from other people for decades.
I was shocked when a professional photographer in Alexandria, Virginia, told me I had blue eyes. “Of course, your eyes are blue — very blue” he said, puzzled.
I thought they were an ugly grayish-brown.
I was so insecure women did not find me attractive — for that one overriding reason. Both genders are attracted only to a person who likes themself, believes in themself, and is on their own path upward to greater things.
“Ugly and unattractive” — what I was told about myself by the jews raping and torturing me as a child
I thank Margi, herself a rape victim twice, for taking my incredible story of abuse seriously when we met on April 20, 2005.
I contrast her to a Tyrolian (Austrian) gal I dated six years before in the town of Kundl in 1999, who saw my hands finely trembling. (This trembling stopped after I met Margi.) She had no more intelligent question to ask me than
“Are you doing drugs?”
Umm, is this trembling dog, who was abused and burned with cigarettes on both legs, then rescued, “doing drugs”?
Geezus.
What use to our race is a woman without “the milk of human kindness” (Macbeth 1:5) who can neither read peoples’ faces and expressions, nor feel compassion?
She is just a small, weak, second-rate man — without those female gifts of kindness, caring and female intuition that can make women wonderful.
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No wonder that at 39, though pretty, that female-in-name-only was still unmarried and childless.
In the end, I found peace by thanking God for my childhood, because 1) it hardened my heart against evil AND 2) SHOWED ME ANYTHING CAN BE OVERCOME.
I now fulfill to the hilt of the sword the inofficial Marine Corps motto:
“No better friend — and no worse enemy.”
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*** back to the spiritual reading
This may provide some information which will serve you well in the future.
Please take good care of your physical self today as well. It is not a time for profigacy or a casual approach to your body’s needs. Eat thoughtfully, drink good water, rest when you are tired, exercise gently and avoid the temptation to push yourself. In this case you are much more likely to push yourself into collapse than on through to the other side.
The day holds the potential to render many deeply valuable insights if you are paying atention and staying in alignment. There is much to be learned from the practice of holding the center while the margins expand and contract. Fear nothing and allow all, but don’t forget the totality of your truth. Don’t forget the vastness of who you are.
We send you all much love and urge you again to practice love and kindness for yourself and others through this day of wonderful ups and downs.
Many blessings. — E.West
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Trauma can lead to the jews battering and seizing control of your mind — or to YOU taking your mind back from them.
First, let your trauma motivate you to become “the captain 0f your own soul,” and then let the glorious sunshine in.
Invictus
(by William Henley):
Out of the night that covers me
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance,
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.
It matters not how strait [narrrow] the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.
…..Recent donations
— 20 November 2021 300 euros (same in US dollars) from M in France
— 12 November 2021 another 300 euros (same in US dollars) from the heroic M in France, a working man, btw, not some millionaire!!!!!
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— 10 November 2021 250 euros via PP from C in Germany
— 8 November 2021 $40 cash from S in Ontonagon, Michigan
— 6 November 2021 300 euros via PayPal from M in France
:
AN OLD SYMBOL OF FRANCE IS THE WILD BOAR
— 2 November 2021 $10 in cash from S in Ontonagon, Michigan
— 31 October 2021 300 euros via PayPal from M in France
— 30 October 2021 $50 via PayPal from V in Denmark
Him in a previous life, also good at getting donations
— 27 October 2021 $400 cash from fmr Marine Corps officer P in Florida, a donor and friend for twelve years
— 25 October 2021 600 euros from C in Germany
— 24 October 2021 300 euros from M in France
— 22 October 2021 $200 loan to keep the site going forgiven by P in Florida
— 20 October 2021 $200 via US Postal Service money order from K in Massachusetts plus the cost of $8.70 in priority-mail postage
John, how many kids did you see get killed in your MK-ULTRA torture ? Do you remember any of them clearly? Blessings.
No, I remember no details, which is exactly and precisely the intent of Manchurian-level horrors.
This is to create mind-controlled VIPs, who will have vast wealth, fame and power.
They obviously are never to recall what the jews did to them. Otherwise, they would suddenly revolt and use their wealth, fame and power to destroy jewry!
It is just horrible feelings I have…. emotions with no conscious connection to any happening.
Emotions when…
I see someone sliding along a concrete floor.
The male reproductive system….
Seeing a chick macerator.
Prostitutes….
Standing between two tall book cases….
Reading while standing….
I have literally fainted, many times, from these stimuli.
God protect you John. This would have never happened in heathen times – the cities are where these things happen and the rat kike could not exist and do their evil without them. This would never happen in the countryside where we as Aryans belong.
Ogni volta che leggo queste cose vado in crisi,sono stata male tutta la notte,dolore al petto e respiro affannoso.
Mi vengono in mente tante cose della mia depressione,del mio stato d’animo,della mia solitudine,delle paure costanti,dei pensieri suicidi,del dolore,del senso di vergogna..del mio bisogno di aiuto e di protezione.Questo mi succede quando vengo aggredita nei litigi.
Ecco da dove arriva quel pianto che non riesco a fermare..e che nessuno a parte te può comprendere.
Io mi chiedo come è possibile?
Davvero sono stata torturata “indirettamente”/come riflesso di te attraverso i miei sogni notturni..?
Tutti gli attacchi e il terrore che ho vissuto per anni 🙁 🙁
E poi ora sento l’impulso di stringerti forte forte…
E…anche mio [] brutti sogni 🙁 🙁 🙁
Questo era il nostro passato, ma non è il nostro presente. E qui ci siamo reincarnati conoscendo la difficoltà delle sfide. La depressione viene dalla mente egoica che ci tortura… e fa rivivere antichi crimini e riaprire vecchie ferite. Sei forte e meraviglioso! Ti apprezzo ogni giorno!
E anche io immagino di “ucciderli tutti”…ogni santo giorno.
Per questo nessuno può comprendere tutta la rabbia che ho nel corpo e da dove viene..
Per questo vedo tutto sotto un’altra luce…e in parte vedo quei Rettili camuffati da uomini,riconosco dalle foto le persone “reincarnate”.
La contattista mi aveva detto che dovevo “svegliarmi”,anche lei vedeva le persone reincarnate e conosceva i loro nomi,percepiva il mio dolore,cosa stavo cercando e perché,prima di me.
Mio marito non mi ha permesso di approfondire questo dialogo…ma ora so cosa stava cercando di dirmi.
Non importa se vengo presa per “matta”…mai come ora per me non ha alcuna importanza.
Si,sono il passato ormai 🙂
..da una parte allontano i problemi umani per non soffrire di questi e mi prendo quello ebraico perché mi rende più forte e determinata(la rabbia fa miracoli).
Strano, vero?
Non sento la mente Egoica ma la volontà di lottare e di essere me stessa!Ogni giorno…
E dai un senso a quello che faccio..
E mi sento utile quando posso.
Grazie,grazie di tutto.
Transl:
Yes, [our childhood traumas] are in the past now
.. on the one hand I remove human problems so as not to suffer from them and I take the Jewish one because it makes me stronger and more determined (anger works miracles).
Strange, right?
I don’t feel the egoic mind but the will to fight and be myself! Every day …
And make sense of what I do ..
And I feel useful when I can.
Thanks, thanks for everything. 🙂
[end]
🙂
Margi sends her greeting…. This pic was from two years ago, fighting her cancer (victoriously) but feeling fear (in her eyes), but this pendant in the Egyptian style from you abnd the postcard gave her a warm happiness inside. 🙂
Mando il mio saluto a Margi 🙂 🙂 e la ringrazio di cuore.
Si,Atum Ra 🙂 due anni fa,quanto tempo..
Un sole vittorioso.
Sono felice che lei ha vinto 🙂
Sono felice per te,hai fatto grandi miracoli per lei 🙂
Il tuo amore per lei 🙂 🙂
VI VOGLIO TANTISSIMO BENE 🙂 🙂
🙂 🙂
Wunderbare Musik, und danke schön, Savitri!
Du bist meine ganze Existenz, mein Vater 🙂
https://photos.app.goo.gl/Yyv5ELjoqESnuSJT8
du bist meine Stärke, mein Wille, mein Herz, meine Leidenschaft, meine Wut und meine Sonne, ich vermisse dich so sehr ..
https://youtu.be/6c5qHCyG2dw
Du bist der Gipfel dieser Welt und ihr strahlendes Licht …
https://photos.app.goo.gl/4gaXnp94b6vyPKcQ8
Ho provato a tradurlo ma non sono convinta di quello che ho letto 🙁
https://youtu.be/nRaYzmiIyq4
L’ho trovato…
Michelangeli k 488/Mozart.
Un concerto particolare…
Il Secondo tempo mi fa piangere (anche Stalin piangeva 🙂 ) e il resto è di una gioia immensa.
Ha questi sbalzi di umore incredibili.
Questi salti così pazzi 🙂 🙂
Solo Mozart può.
Posso immaginare il suo carattere,tipicamente andromediano.
Sono passionali,precisi e talmente buffi a volte…
Possono piangere come bambini e un secondo dopo saltare come matti nella stanza.
Io,per esempio…
Con i miei bambini ho capito tante cose del mio carattere.
Solo che nessuno mi da corda,a parte i bambini.
Io sono così..
Nessuno lo ha davvero capito.
La situazione sta precipitando:
Questi sono tutti i problemi che si sono accumulati durante tutti questi anni.
Quando sua madre è rimasta sola,sono stata l’unica da fidanzata a restare a casa da lei,non uscivamo sempre,molte volte eravamo con lei.Da sposati la stessa cosa,lui ha sempre pensato a lei,dove portarla,cosa fare,tante domeniche da noi perché nessuno dei suoi 6 figli ha mai pensato di invitarla a turno.
Ma non sono gelosa.
Non si è mai reso conto di queste cose,non l’ho chiamata in ospedale per non forzarla perché fatica a parlare (riceve tantissime chiamate) ma mi sono preoccupata di chiedere a lui della situazione.
Ma non è bastato.Io mi sono innervosita per tutta la situazione.
Ho avuto uno scatto sbagliato e lui mi ha detto che sono menefreghista su tutto:
“Va bene,non ti chiederò più nulla!”.
Non ha fatto il tampone perché doveva badare a tutti,aiutare tutta la sua famiglia in questa situazione.
Va bene,noi siamo rimasti soli,non ci parliamo più,a malapena 🙁
Non si rende conto neanche di come mi ha ferita e quante volte respiro male dal dolore 🙁
Poi si meraviglia perché sono così legata a te…(non sa che ti ho aiutato).Ha sempre evitato questa cosa,non si è mai preoccupato di scavare nella mia vita,in quella passata di Savitri per capire perché sono legata a te!
Una persona lontana,che non conosce il suono della mia voce!
Una persona che parla un’altra lingua.
“Sto proteggendo questa persona per un motivo molto grande”,anche da te!(mio marito).
Dalla sua enorme ottusità:
“Perché io non posso proteggere questa persona come fai tu con tua madre,non posso abbracciarla,non posso ridere con lui,non posso neanche rimproverarlo quando sbaglia,non posso giocare con lui,non posso sentire il suo calore”.
Perché io a questa età sfortunata avrei fatto tutte queste cose,grandi cose…quello che non sono riuscita a fare con i miei genitori così distratti,preoccupati da cose banali,dai soldi,dalla scuola,dal lavoro,dai loro genitori.
Perché lui è come me! È sempre stato il mio riflesso e la parte più pazza di me,anche nei pericoli più grandi come l’ebraismo.
Se ferisci lui uccidi me,non in questa vita…in tutte le vite!
Ma tanto non lo capirà mai..perché esiste solo la sua famiglia,i suoi genitori,i suoi bambini che se potesse me li toglierebbe senza pensarci due volte nella separazione.
“Io non sono sua madre,non riesce a vederlo” 🙁
La mia cara maestra di asilo:”Lei vive nel nascondimento”…
Lei ha intuito qualcosa,qualcosa che nessuno riesce a comprendere.Tranne pochi Eletti.
Ho sofferto come un cane,quando mi sono legata al mio maestro di pianoforte,io ci vedevo qualcosa di familiare..di molto familiare:”Tu mi ricordi qualcuno,chi?,cosa sto cercando?”.
E tutte le volte cercavo uomini come lui,della mia età,il secondo era molto più grande di me(15anni più grande)ma non è durata perché era lontano,perché è rimasto sconvolto da qualcosa:”Tu non sei come le altre donne”..e avevo solo 18 anni.
Tre uomini uguali,tutti e tre lontanissimi.Cosa potevo aspettarmi da loro?Giustamente.
Il problema era il mio.
Quanta sofferenza inutile.
Però dovevo capire…
Quando il mio maestro ha cominciato a cercarmi come Donna(io ero cresciuta,avevo l’età giusta per quello)mi è cascato il mondo addosso.
“No,vostra moglie,i vostri figli…”
“Io mi sentivo ancora una bambina”..
E volevo essere vista così…protetta come tale.
Questo è il modo in cui agisce la “reincarnazione”…e potresti anche impazzire.
No,non sono mai stata come le altre Donne..ho sempre scavato in profondità,volevo capire..dovevo cercare anche a costo di soffrire.
Non potevo arrendermi.
“Scavare nella mia memoria e nell’anima…”
Ci sono riuscita..
E so che sarà sempre così,tutte le volte.
È più facile vivere dimenticando tutte le tue vite e chi sei.
È giusto così.
Ma quando ami una persona così tanto non puoi…e lo so che non ho mai dimenticato nulla in qualche modo.
Abbiamo fatto pace 🙂
“E come al solito sono le Donne ad accucciarsi tra le braccia di un uomo”..Sempre!
Mi ha detto:”Sono stanco,non ce la faccio più”..ho litigato con i miei fratelli,questa volta non potevo fargliela passare per come si sono comportati con mia madre”(a parte due fratelli che sono sempre presenti”).
E’ riuscito ad entrare in ospedale grazie a una guardia giurata..ma non poteva senza Pass.
E gli ho risposto l’unica cosa che sentivo in quel momento:”Ti amo”
Così mi sono liberata della rabbia,delle parole di troppo,di tante incomprensioni.
E poi fuoco totale 🙂 🙂
Avevo paura anche che la sua famiglia,tutta la situazione,potesse farlo cedere su tante cose.
Lui è così…non cede!
Soffre in silenzio ma non cede facilmente…
Cosa sarei senza di lui…
E lui senza di me..
Io spero che un giorno capisca tutta la mia situazione,sono sola,non parlo mai con nessuno(a parte te)mi hanno deluso in troppi ormai.
E lo so che sono orgogliosa e testarda 🙂
In realtà lui ha superato gli altri tre fidanzati ma sta di fatto che ha ancora qualcosa di familiare con il mio passato..
Evidentemente era così.
Era un vero e proprio modello che avevo in testa.
Già,19Aprile…un solo giorno di differenza 🙂
Una strana coincidenza.
Ma se non lo coccolo io chi deve farlo..?Io non sono capace di fare quello che fanno gli altri…
Sono sempre con lui…tutti i giorni.
Sono la sua ombra..sono lontana solo in rare occasioni 🙂 🙂
E lo vedono tutti…